Saturday, June 15, 2019

Completed: #32. Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight

For days 6 (yesterday morning) and day 7 (just now), I did a silent 15 minutes on timer with the only strategies that worked for me for a few seconds at a time: body scanning -- individually checking in with each part of the body and feeling sensations currently associated with each, focusing on all sounds around me, silently saying "in" and "out" with each breath, and imagining breathing in and out through each part of the body.

Today I tried it after smudging first.

Honestly, though, this was really difficult and largely unproductive for me. My mind does not sit even remotely still, even with concerted effort -- when I was a teen, I used to describe it as a 20-fold thought-track. My efforts at meditation just made me more conscious of this and less able to stop them as I didn't have any actions to distract me.

Moreover, one of the more damaging parts of my psyche is that I must never feel self-indulgent. This manifests into a lot of my longest-standing issues and just regular day-to-day quirks of existence. The last two mornings, for instance, I had instant coffee because I did not feel like I deserved good coffee. In this sense, I could see taking a still fifteen minutes if I "earned" it -- my most productive was after a difficult and sweaty yoga workout as a cool down. It had earned purpose then. I could see trying that out again.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Progress #32. Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight


I don't know if I was just too tired, too uncomfortable in my body, the absence of yoga first, or the fact that every time the guy said "source" it sounded like "sauce," but I just couldn't take this seriously this morning. My mind wouldn't sit still.

Leo sat in my lap the whole time, though, so that was cute.

Original goal list posted here

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Progress: #32: Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight

1/7: Real talk: 15 minutes is an extraordinarily long time for me to be still if I'm awake, so this will be challenging. My mind never slows down until maybe sleeping (if even then), and I generally just really need to feel purposeful.

Post-yoga-tired, I started with the first search of "15 minute guided meditation" I found. Here it is:

Any parts that were tangible made sense to me: Picturing the positive energy embrace of a loved one, or being wrapped in a soft blanket. Being filled with the energy of the earth. (For the latter, I pictured being filled with the birdsong just outside my window - the baby sparrows are now learning to fly while both parents stand by.)

When it starts talking about colours, though, I tap out. I am not filled with colours. My emotions are not colours. I do not understand. That's me, though.

I don't think, in my life, I've actually ever felt more filled with the energy of the earth than this spring. I am its genuine caretaker these days, foraging and noticing and appreciating and sharing.

Maybe someday, more of us will do it the best we can, even if we are inherently destroyers. We can do better. Weeds are not poison -- and should not be poisoned. Capitalism does not determine worth. Nature is free for viewing. Go outside.

Completed: #28. Sleep in the backyard in a tent cot & #24. Use a telescope

My husband is away for the weekend and it was the first really warm day of June, so I figured this was better a night than any to merge these two goals:

It was too cloudy to see much of any stars, and kind of difficult to set up the telescope without instructions. I'd like to try this again some other time.

I swear I need this tent cot available every time I'm feeling meltdown-esque. (I bought it over 3 years ago and it has been in the closet ever since.) I love tiny spaces and shutting out the entire world with a blanket and a book.

I read about 30 pages of The Crucible by flashlight and fell asleep around 10. All the wildlife in our backyard was still buzzing.

I woke up at 2am to silence, kind of freezing without a heavy blanket (oops). The warmth of inside was too tempting, so I retired on the couch for the rest of the night.

I think I will go back to read in this little cave this morning.