Friday, June 21, 2019
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Completed: #32. Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight
For days 6 (yesterday morning) and day 7 (just now), I did a silent 15 minutes on timer with the only strategies that worked for me for a few seconds at a time: body scanning -- individually checking in with each part of the body and feeling sensations currently associated with each, focusing on all sounds around me, silently saying "in" and "out" with each breath, and imagining breathing in and out through each part of the body.
Today I tried it after smudging first.
Honestly, though, this was really difficult and largely unproductive for me. My mind does not sit even remotely still, even with concerted effort -- when I was a teen, I used to describe it as a 20-fold thought-track. My efforts at meditation just made me more conscious of this and less able to stop them as I didn't have any actions to distract me.
Moreover, one of the more damaging parts of my psyche is that I must never feel self-indulgent. This manifests into a lot of my longest-standing issues and just regular day-to-day quirks of existence. The last two mornings, for instance, I had instant coffee because I did not feel like I deserved good coffee. In this sense, I could see taking a still fifteen minutes if I "earned" it -- my most productive was after a difficult and sweaty yoga workout as a cool down. It had earned purpose then. I could see trying that out again.
Today I tried it after smudging first.
Honestly, though, this was really difficult and largely unproductive for me. My mind does not sit even remotely still, even with concerted effort -- when I was a teen, I used to describe it as a 20-fold thought-track. My efforts at meditation just made me more conscious of this and less able to stop them as I didn't have any actions to distract me.
Moreover, one of the more damaging parts of my psyche is that I must never feel self-indulgent. This manifests into a lot of my longest-standing issues and just regular day-to-day quirks of existence. The last two mornings, for instance, I had instant coffee because I did not feel like I deserved good coffee. In this sense, I could see taking a still fifteen minutes if I "earned" it -- my most productive was after a difficult and sweaty yoga workout as a cool down. It had earned purpose then. I could see trying that out again.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Progress #32. Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight
3/7
I don't know if I was just too tired, too uncomfortable in my body, the absence of yoga first, or the fact that every time the guy said "source" it sounded like "sauce," but I just couldn't take this seriously this morning. My mind wouldn't sit still.
Monday, June 10, 2019
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Progress: #32: Meditate for 15 minutes daily for 1 week straight
1/7: Real talk: 15 minutes is an extraordinarily long time for me to be still if I'm awake, so this will be challenging. My mind never slows down until maybe sleeping (if even then), and I generally just really need to feel purposeful.
Post-yoga-tired, I started with the first search of "15 minute guided meditation" I found. Here it is:
Any parts that were tangible made sense to me: Picturing the positive energy embrace of a loved one, or being wrapped in a soft blanket. Being filled with the energy of the earth. (For the latter, I pictured being filled with the birdsong just outside my window - the baby sparrows are now learning to fly while both parents stand by.)
When it starts talking about colours, though, I tap out. I am not filled with colours. My emotions are not colours. I do not understand. That's me, though.
I don't think, in my life, I've actually ever felt more filled with the energy of the earth than this spring. I am its genuine caretaker these days, foraging and noticing and appreciating and sharing.
Maybe someday, more of us will do it the best we can, even if we are inherently destroyers. We can do better. Weeds are not poison -- and should not be poisoned. Capitalism does not determine worth. Nature is free for viewing. Go outside.
Post-yoga-tired, I started with the first search of "15 minute guided meditation" I found. Here it is:
Any parts that were tangible made sense to me: Picturing the positive energy embrace of a loved one, or being wrapped in a soft blanket. Being filled with the energy of the earth. (For the latter, I pictured being filled with the birdsong just outside my window - the baby sparrows are now learning to fly while both parents stand by.)
When it starts talking about colours, though, I tap out. I am not filled with colours. My emotions are not colours. I do not understand. That's me, though.
I don't think, in my life, I've actually ever felt more filled with the energy of the earth than this spring. I am its genuine caretaker these days, foraging and noticing and appreciating and sharing.
Maybe someday, more of us will do it the best we can, even if we are inherently destroyers. We can do better. Weeds are not poison -- and should not be poisoned. Capitalism does not determine worth. Nature is free for viewing. Go outside.
Completed: #28. Sleep in the backyard in a tent cot & #24. Use a telescope
My husband is away for the weekend and it was the first really warm day of June, so I figured this was better a night than any to merge these two goals:
It was too cloudy to see much of any stars, and kind of difficult to set up the telescope without instructions. I'd like to try this again some other time.
I swear I need this tent cot available every time I'm feeling meltdown-esque. (I bought it over 3 years ago and it has been in the closet ever since.) I love tiny spaces and shutting out the entire world with a blanket and a book.
I read about 30 pages of The Crucible by flashlight and fell asleep around 10. All the wildlife in our backyard was still buzzing.
I woke up at 2am to silence, kind of freezing without a heavy blanket (oops). The warmth of inside was too tempting, so I retired on the couch for the rest of the night.
I think I will go back to read in this little cave this morning.
I swear I need this tent cot available every time I'm feeling meltdown-esque. (I bought it over 3 years ago and it has been in the closet ever since.) I love tiny spaces and shutting out the entire world with a blanket and a book.
I read about 30 pages of The Crucible by flashlight and fell asleep around 10. All the wildlife in our backyard was still buzzing.
I woke up at 2am to silence, kind of freezing without a heavy blanket (oops). The warmth of inside was too tempting, so I retired on the couch for the rest of the night.
I think I will go back to read in this little cave this morning.
Saturday, June 8, 2019
"Completed": #35. Learn more about birdwatching
I think why birdwatching sometimes goes hand-in-hand with autism spectrum disorders is because: 1. It gives a person new facts to learn that are supported by visual information; 2. It is easy to become a hyperfocus; 3. It centres one's attention on an external world that already exists, often unnoticed, through practical application; 4. It's micro with a macro application; 5. ANIMALS.
Very quickly, it becomes easy to identify birds if you make mental notes of: colour, pattern, size, tail shape, and the way it flies. (Presumably also song, but I am more visual than auditory.) I observe these things in the moment, and consult field guides and/or the internet when I am home again.
Since the last post, I have also seen:
Common grackles, magpies, turkey vultures.
The latter were two, and sitting ON OUR ROOF. In a little suburban enclave in the city. I don't understand. They are massive and somehow simultaneously majestic and terrifying.
My husband managed to capture a brief video of one flying:
Very quickly, it becomes easy to identify birds if you make mental notes of: colour, pattern, size, tail shape, and the way it flies. (Presumably also song, but I am more visual than auditory.) I observe these things in the moment, and consult field guides and/or the internet when I am home again.
Since the last post, I have also seen:
Common grackles, magpies, turkey vultures.
The latter were two, and sitting ON OUR ROOF. In a little suburban enclave in the city. I don't understand. They are massive and somehow simultaneously majestic and terrifying.
My husband managed to capture a brief video of one flying:
I will tell you some things about turkey vultures: They are the only vulture in Canada, and only here in the south, and only when it is warm. They are almost exclusive carrion eaters. Their line of defense against animal predators is to vomit on themselves because it smells so terrible.
Another thing: A house sparrow pair has laid eggs in a nest in our eaves and they have hatched and they chirp all day and a mother and father sparrow alternately bring them food. They stand guard on nearby branches and wires if we stand too close. Here is a video of the chirping and a silhouette photo of the mom:
I will tell you some things about house sparrows: They bathe themselves in dirt piles. They are an invasive species in North America and not protected by law. Some birdwatchers kill them and their eggs because they say they affect native populations. For example, it is said that they kill bluebirds trapped in their nests, sometimes even laying their own eggs over the bluebirds' dead bodies.
I have never seen a bluebird.
I would never kill a sparrow.
A last thing:
Some American crows congregated in the neighbour's tree and on their roof, after the turkey vultures left. They sounded very upset. They seemed to be calling a meeting. Here is one on the roof, to the backdrop sound of one cawing in the tree:
I will tell you some things about crows: They are not the same as ravens. Ravens mostly live on the West coast in Canada, but some have been seen in Toronto in recent years. They are larger and their beaks have a different shape.
Crows are said to be one of the most intelligent animals in the world: About the equivalent of a three year old human. They can solve brand new multi-step puzzles using logical reasoning and tools.
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